{"id":8850,"date":"2018-12-06T08:37:48","date_gmt":"2018-12-06T06:37:48","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.swisswuff.ch\/tech\/?p=8850"},"modified":"2019-12-01T11:58:05","modified_gmt":"2019-12-01T09:58:05","slug":"real-work-real-men-dont-eat-quiche-real-programmers-dont-use-pascal-reference-to-popular-culture","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.swisswuff.ch\/tech\/?p=8850","title":{"rendered":"Real work &#8211; Real Men Don&#8217;t Eat Quiche &#8211; Real Programmers Don&#8217;t Use PASCAL [reference to popular culture]"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>When I mention real work as opposed to work one does in the role of a pansy boy, I certainly mean this both seriously and tongue in cheek.<\/p>\n<p>Only if you spend your days with real work will you ever understand. You will be dripping wet from sweating. Your clothes will be so entirely smelly from external causes. Your materials will be in dire need for cleaning ever so comprehensively. You have worked for many hours. And you will go back to do it all over again. A prosthetic arm that is built to last 3 years dies within 5 seconds, 15 minutes, or 2 months &#8211; using stock commercial parts, it burns and dies like paper consumed by a slow fire, component by component.<\/p>\n<p>Welcome to the world of real work.<\/p>\n<p><!--more--><\/p>\n<p>The idea of clarifying\u00a0 what real men do as opposed to quiche eaters is certainly not new or mine. It existed when I grew up, and it probably was part of me growing up. When my godfather became ill with amyotrophic lateral sclerosis around 1983 or so and los his ability to speak, I was a teenager, and so without further ado I used my Commodore 64 computer to solder a large wide switcht to it, that could be used to switch a bit or so. We had these plugs and wires lying around, and there was some documentation that we got our hands on as we were networked under the Commodore 64 Anwender Club in Zurich with the funny abbreviation &#8220;CAC&#8221;. There, we swapped all kinds of interesting insights and there sure were photocopies of documentation that otherwise was not so available. At any rate, I then used the hardware switch to set or unset a software bit and that then could be read out in order to direct software program loops and so I had one very large character on the screen that was made up from little blocks (on a 25 x 40 character resolution CRT screen) and that serially went through alphabet, numbers and a few diacritical signs as well as a &#8220;delete&#8221;, &#8220;new line&#8221; and &#8220;print&#8221; command to print stuff on the attached line printer. So my uncle could press his head against the switch, and by virtue of my software, thus relatively easily write sentences. With that I had thoughtlessly provided the more ergonomical solution for him than my aunt, who had asked her chief programmer to help out whereas that chief programmer&#8217;s stuff was not legible and lacked the elegant hardware hack I had came up with, and the computer she had that stuff run on cost around 20 times as much as my C64. At any rate, the &#8220;family council&#8221; decided that my solution was technically too good, and would make the attempt of my aunt pale in comparison, or look bad, so it was decided to best remove my stuff and have my uncle having to use the device auntie had provided even though that was really hard for him. Clearly, I had landed a solution in the domain of real programming, with a hard programming approach to a then totally new area of assistive devices.<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/www.swisswuff.ch\/tech\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/12\/realmen_claws_lightcigar.gif\"><img decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone size-full wp-image-10493\" src=\"https:\/\/www.swisswuff.ch\/tech\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/12\/realmen_claws_lightcigar.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"100%\" \/><\/a><\/p>\n<div id=\"ez-toc-container\" class=\"ez-toc-v2_0_82_2 counter-hierarchy ez-toc-counter ez-toc-grey ez-toc-container-direction\">\n<div class=\"ez-toc-title-container\">\n<p class=\"ez-toc-title\" style=\"cursor:inherit\">Table of Contents<\/p>\n<span class=\"ez-toc-title-toggle\"><a href=\"#\" class=\"ez-toc-pull-right ez-toc-btn ez-toc-btn-xs ez-toc-btn-default ez-toc-toggle\" aria-label=\"Toggle Table of Content\"><span class=\"ez-toc-js-icon-con\"><span class=\"\"><span class=\"eztoc-hide\" style=\"display:none;\">Toggle<\/span><span class=\"ez-toc-icon-toggle-span\"><svg style=\"fill: #999;color:#999\" xmlns=\"http:\/\/www.w3.org\/2000\/svg\" class=\"list-377408\" width=\"20px\" height=\"20px\" viewBox=\"0 0 24 24\" fill=\"none\"><path d=\"M6 6H4v2h2V6zm14 0H8v2h12V6zM4 11h2v2H4v-2zm16 0H8v2h12v-2zM4 16h2v2H4v-2zm16 0H8v2h12v-2z\" fill=\"currentColor\"><\/path><\/svg><svg style=\"fill: #999;color:#999\" class=\"arrow-unsorted-368013\" xmlns=\"http:\/\/www.w3.org\/2000\/svg\" width=\"10px\" height=\"10px\" viewBox=\"0 0 24 24\" version=\"1.2\" baseProfile=\"tiny\"><path d=\"M18.2 9.3l-6.2-6.3-6.2 6.3c-.2.2-.3.4-.3.7s.1.5.3.7c.2.2.4.3.7.3h11c.3 0 .5-.1.7-.3.2-.2.3-.5.3-.7s-.1-.5-.3-.7zM5.8 14.7l6.2 6.3 6.2-6.3c.2-.2.3-.5.3-.7s-.1-.5-.3-.7c-.2-.2-.4-.3-.7-.3h-11c-.3 0-.5.1-.7.3-.2.2-.3.5-.3.7s.1.5.3.7z\"\/><\/svg><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/a><\/span><\/div>\n<nav><ul class='ez-toc-list ez-toc-list-level-1 ' ><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-1'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-1\" href=\"https:\/\/www.swisswuff.ch\/tech\/?p=8850\/#Real_Programmers_Dont_Use_PASCAL\" >Real Programmers Don&#8217;t Use PASCAL<\/a><ul class='ez-toc-list-level-2' ><li class='ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-2\" href=\"https:\/\/www.swisswuff.ch\/tech\/?p=8850\/#LANGUAGES\" >LANGUAGES<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-3\" href=\"https:\/\/www.swisswuff.ch\/tech\/?p=8850\/#STRUCTURED_PROGRAMMING\" >STRUCTURED PROGRAMMING<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-4\" href=\"https:\/\/www.swisswuff.ch\/tech\/?p=8850\/#OPERATING_SYSTEMS\" >OPERATING SYSTEMS<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-5\" href=\"https:\/\/www.swisswuff.ch\/tech\/?p=8850\/#PROGRAMMING_TOOLS\" >PROGRAMMING TOOLS<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-6\" href=\"https:\/\/www.swisswuff.ch\/tech\/?p=8850\/#THE_REAL_PROGRAMMER_AT_WORK\" >THE REAL PROGRAMMER AT WORK<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-7\" href=\"https:\/\/www.swisswuff.ch\/tech\/?p=8850\/#THE_REAL_PROGRAMMER_AT_PLAY\" >THE REAL PROGRAMMER AT PLAY<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-8\" href=\"https:\/\/www.swisswuff.ch\/tech\/?p=8850\/#THE_REAL_PROGRAMMERS_NATURAL_HABITAT\" >THE REAL PROGRAMMER&#8217;S NATURAL HABITAT<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-9\" href=\"https:\/\/www.swisswuff.ch\/tech\/?p=8850\/#THE_FUTURE\" >THE FUTURE<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-10\" href=\"https:\/\/www.swisswuff.ch\/tech\/?p=8850\/#ACKNOWLEDGEMENT\" >ACKNOWLEDGEMENT<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-11\" href=\"https:\/\/www.swisswuff.ch\/tech\/?p=8850\/#REFERENCES\" >REFERENCES<\/a><\/li><\/ul><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-1'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-12\" href=\"https:\/\/www.swisswuff.ch\/tech\/?p=8850\/#Real_Programmers_Dont_Eat_Quiche\" >Real Programmers Don&#8217;t Eat Quiche<\/a><\/li><\/ul><\/nav><\/div>\n<h1><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"Real_Programmers_Dont_Use_PASCAL\"><\/span>Real Programmers Don&#8217;t Use PASCAL<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h1>\n<p>Ed Post<br \/>\nTektronix, Inc.<br \/>\nCopyright (C) 1982<\/p>\n<p>Back in the good old days &#8212; the `Golden Era&#8217; of computers, it was easy to<br \/>\nseparate the men from the boys (sometimes called &#8220;Real Men&#8221; and &#8220;Quiche<br \/>\nEaters&#8221; in the literature). During this period, the Real Men were the<br \/>\nones that understood computer programming, and the Quiche Eaters were the<br \/>\nones that didn&#8217;t. A real computer programmer said things like `DO 10<br \/>\nI=1,10&#8242; and `ABEND&#8217; (they actually talked in capital letters, you<br \/>\nunderstand), and the rest of the world said things like `computers are too<br \/>\ncomplicated for me&#8217; and `I can&#8217;t relate to computers &#8212; they&#8217;re so<br \/>\nimpersonal&#8221;. (A previous work [1] points out that Real Men don&#8217;t `relate&#8217;<br \/>\nto anything, and aren&#8217;t afraid of being impersonal.)<\/p>\n<p>But, as usual, times change. We are faced today with a world in which<br \/>\nlittle old ladies can get computers in their microwave ovens, 12-year-old<br \/>\nkids can blow Real Men out of the water playing Asteroids and Pac-Man, and<br \/>\nanyone can buy and even understand their very own Personal Computer. The<br \/>\nReal Programmer is in danger of becoming extinct, of being replaced by<br \/>\nhigh-school students with TRASH-80&#8217;s.<\/p>\n<p>There is a clear need to point out the differences between the typical<br \/>\nhigh-school junior Pac-Man player and a Real Programmer. If this<br \/>\ndifference is made clear, it will give these kids something to aspire to<br \/>\n&#8212; a role model, a Father Figure. It will also help explain to the<br \/>\nemployers of Real Programmers why it would be a mistake to replace the<br \/>\nReal Programmers on their staff with 12-year-old Pac-Man players (at a<br \/>\nconsiderable salary savings).<\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"LANGUAGES\"><\/span>LANGUAGES<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p>The easiest way to tell a Real Programmer from the crowd is by the<br \/>\nprogramming language he (or she) uses. Real Programmers use FORTRAN.<br \/>\nQuiche Eaters use PASCAL. Nicklaus Wirth, the designer of PASCAL, gave a<br \/>\ntalk once at which he was asked &#8220;How do you pronounce your name?&#8221; He<br \/>\nreplied, &#8220;You can either call me by name, pronouncing it `Veert&#8217;, or call<br \/>\nme by value, `Worth&#8217;.&#8221; One can tell immediately from this comment that<br \/>\nNicklaus Wirth is a Quiche Eater. The only parameter passing mechanism<br \/>\nendorsed by Real Programmers is call-by-value-return, as Implemented in<br \/>\nthe IBM\\370 FORTRAN-G and H compilers. Real programmers don&#8217;t need all<br \/>\nthese abstract concepts to get their jobs done &#8212; they are perfectly happy<br \/>\nwith a keypunch, a FORTRAN IV compiler, ana a beer.<\/p>\n<p>o Real Programmers do List Processing in FORTRAN.<\/p>\n<p>o Real Programmers do String Manipulation in FORTRAN.<\/p>\n<p>o Real Programmers do Accounting (if they do it at all) in FORTRAN.<\/p>\n<p>o Real Programmers do Artificial Intelligence programs in FORTRAN.<\/p>\n<p>If you can&#8217;t do it in FORTRAN, do it in assembly language. If you can&#8217;t<br \/>\ndo it in assembly language, it isn&#8217;t worth doing.<\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"STRUCTURED_PROGRAMMING\"><\/span>STRUCTURED PROGRAMMING<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p>The academics in computer science have gotten into the `structured<br \/>\nprogramming&#8217; rut over the past several years. They claim that programs<br \/>\nare more easily understood if the programmer uses sole special language<br \/>\nconstructs and techniques. They don&#8217;t all agree on exactly which<br \/>\nconstructs, of course, and the examples they use to show their particular<br \/>\npoint of view invariably fit on a single pace of some obscure journal or<br \/>\nanother &#8212; clearly not enough of an example to convince anyone. When I<br \/>\ngot out of school, I thcught I was the best programmer in the world. I<br \/>\ncould write an unbeatable tic-tac-toe program, use five different computer<br \/>\nlanguages, and create 1000-line prograns that WORKED. (Really!) Then I<br \/>\ngot out into the Real World. My first task in the Real World was to read<br \/>\nand understand a 2O0,OO0-line FORTRAN program, then speed it up by a<br \/>\nfactor of two. Any Real Programmer will tell you that all the Structured<br \/>\nCoding in the world won&#8217;t help you solve a problem like that &#8212; it takes<br \/>\nactual talent. Some quick observations on Real Programmers and Structured<br \/>\nProgramming:<\/p>\n<p>o Real Programmers aren&#8217;t afraid to use GOTO&#8217;s.<\/p>\n<p>o Real Programmers can write five-page-long DO loops without<br \/>\ngetting confused.<\/p>\n<p>o Real Programmers like Arithmetic IF statements &#8212; they make the<br \/>\ncode more Interesting.<\/p>\n<p>o Real Prograwmers write self-modifying code, especially if they can<br \/>\nsave 20 nanoseconds in the middle of a tight loop.<\/p>\n<p>o Real Programmers don&#8217;t need comments &#8212; the code is obvious.<\/p>\n<p>o Since FORTRAN doesn&#8217;t have a structured IF, REPEAT &#8230; UNTIL, or<br \/>\nCASE statement, Real Programners don&#8217;t have to worry about not using<br \/>\nthem. Besides, they can be simulated when necessary using assigned<br \/>\nGOTO&#8217;s.<\/p>\n<p>Data Structures have also gotten a lot of press lately. Abstract Data<br \/>\nTypes, Structures, Pointers, Lists, and Strings have become popular in<br \/>\ncertain circles. Wirth (the above-mentioned Quiche Eater) actually wrote<br \/>\nan entire book [2] contending that you could write a program based on data<br \/>\nstructures, instead of the other way around. As all Real Programmers<br \/>\nknow, the only useful data structure is the Array. Strings, lists,<br \/>\nstructures, sets &#8212; these are all special cases of arrays and can be<br \/>\ntreated that way just as easily without messing up your programing<br \/>\nlanguage with all sorts of complications. The worst thing about fancy<br \/>\ndata types is that you have to declare them, and Real Programming<br \/>\nLanguages, as we all know, have implicit typing based on the first letter<br \/>\nof the (six character) variable name.<\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"OPERATING_SYSTEMS\"><\/span>OPERATING SYSTEMS<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p>What kind of operating system is used by a Real Programmer? CP\/M? God<br \/>\nforbid &#8212; CP\/M, after all, is basically a toy operating system. Even<br \/>\nlittle old ladies and grade school students can understand and use CP\/M.<\/p>\n<p>Unix is a lot more complicated of course &#8212; the typical Unix hacker never<br \/>\ncan remember what the PRINT command is called this week &#8212; but when it<br \/>\ngets right down to it, Unix is a glorified video game. People don&#8217;t do<br \/>\nSerious Work on Unix systems: they send jokes around the world on UUCP-net<br \/>\nand write adventure games and research papers.<\/p>\n<p>No, your Real Programmer uses OS\\370. A good programmer can find and<br \/>\nunderstand the description of the IJK305I error he just got in his JCL<br \/>\nmanual. A great programmer can write JCL without referring to the manual<br \/>\nat all. A truly outstanding programmer can find bugs buried in a<br \/>\n6-megabyte core dump without using a hex calculator. (I have actually<br \/>\nseen this done.)<\/p>\n<p>0S is a truly remarkable operating system. It&#8217;s possible to destroy days<br \/>\nof work with a single misplaced space, so alertness in the programming<br \/>\nstaff is encouraged. The best way to approach the system is through a<br \/>\nkeypunch. Some people claim there is a Time Sharing system that runs on<br \/>\nOS\\370, but after careful study I have come to the conclusion that they<br \/>\nwere mistaken.<\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"PROGRAMMING_TOOLS\"><\/span>PROGRAMMING TOOLS<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p>What kind of tools does a Real Programmer use? In theory, a Real<br \/>\nProgrammer could run his programs by keying them into the front panel of<br \/>\nthe computer. Back in the days when computers had front panels, this was<br \/>\nactually done occasionally. Your typical Real Programmer knew the entire<br \/>\nbootstrap loader by memory in hex, and toggled it in whenever it got<br \/>\ndestroyed by his program. (Back then, memory was memory &#8212; it didn&#8217;t go<br \/>\naway when the power went off. Today, memory either forgets things when<br \/>\nyou don&#8217;t want it to, or remembers things long after they&#8217;re better<br \/>\nforgotten.) Legend has it that Seymore Cray, inventor of the Cray I<br \/>\nsupercomputer and most of Control Data&#8217;s computers, actually toggled the<br \/>\nfirst operating system for the CDC7600 in on the front panel from memory<br \/>\nwhen it was first powered on. Seymore, needless tc say, is a Real<br \/>\nProgrammer.<\/p>\n<p>One of my favorite Real Programmers was a systems programmer for Texas<br \/>\nInstruments. One day he got a long distance call from a user whose system<br \/>\nhad crashed in the middle of saving some important work. Jim was able to<br \/>\nrepair the damage over the phone, getting the user to toggle in disk I\/0<br \/>\ninstructions at the front panel, repairing system tables in hex,<br \/>\nreading register contents back over the phone. The moral of this story:<br \/>\nwhile a Real Programmer usually includes a keypunch and lineprinter in his<br \/>\ntoolkit, he can get along with just a front panel and a telephone in<br \/>\nemergencies.<\/p>\n<p>In some companies, text editing no longer consists of ten engineers<br \/>\nstanding in line to use an 029 keypunch. In fact, the building I work in<br \/>\ndoesn&#8217;t contain a single keypunch. The Real Progranmer in this situation<br \/>\nhas to do his work with a &#8220;text cditor&#8217; program. Most systems supply<br \/>\nseveral text editors to selcct from, and the Real Programmer must be<br \/>\ncareful to pick one that reflects his personal style. Many people believe<br \/>\nthat the best text editors in the world were written at Xerox Palo Alto<br \/>\nResearch Center for use on their Alto and Dorado computers [3].<br \/>\nUnfortunately, no Real Programmer would ever use a computer whose<br \/>\noperating system is called SmallTalk, and would certainly not talk to the<br \/>\ncomputer with a mouse.<\/p>\n<p>Some of the concepts in these Xerox editors have been incorporated into<br \/>\neditors running on more reasonably named operating systems &#8212; EMACS and VI<br \/>\nbeing two. The problem with these editors is that Real Programmers<br \/>\nconsider `What You See Is What You Get&#8217; to be just as bad a concept in<br \/>\nText Editors as it is in women. No, the Real Programmer wants a `you<br \/>\nasked for it, you got it&#8217; text editor &#8212; complicated, cryptic, powerful,<br \/>\nunforgiving, dangerous. TECO, to be precise.<\/p>\n<p>It has been observed that a TECO command sequence more closely resembles<br \/>\ntransmission line noise than readable text [4]. One of the more<br \/>\nentertaining games to play with TECO is to type your name in as a command<br \/>\nline and try to guess what it does. Just about any possible typing error<br \/>\nwhile talking with TECO will probably destroy your program, or even worse<br \/>\n&#8212; introduce subtle and mysterious bugs in a once working subroutine.<\/p>\n<p>For this reason, Real Programmers are reluctant to actually edit a program<br \/>\nthat is close to working. They find it much easier to just patch the<br \/>\nbinary object code directly, using a wonderful program called SUPERZAP (or<br \/>\nits equivalent on non-IBM machines). This works so well that many working<br \/>\nprograms on IBM systems bear no relation to the original FORTRAN code. In<br \/>\nmany cases, the original source code is no longer available. When it<br \/>\ncomes time to fix a program like this, no manager would even think of<br \/>\nsending anything less than a Real Programmer to do the job &#8212; no Quiche<br \/>\nEating structured programmer would even know where to start. This is<br \/>\ncalled `job security&#8217;.<\/p>\n<p>Some programming tools NOT used by Real Programmers:<\/p>\n<p>o FORTRAN preprocessors like MORTRAN and RATFOR. The Cuisinarts of<br \/>\nProgramming &#8212; great for making Quiche. See comments above on<br \/>\nstructured programiing.<\/p>\n<p>o Source language debuggers. Real Programmers can read core dumps.<\/p>\n<p>o Compilers with array bounds checking. They stifle creativity,<br \/>\ndestroy most of the interesting uses for EQUIVALENCE, and make it<br \/>\nimpossible to modify the operating system code with negative<br \/>\nsubscripts. Worst of all, bounds checking is inefficient.<\/p>\n<p>o Source code maintenance systems. A Real Programmer keeps his code<br \/>\nlocked up in a card file, because it implies that its owner cannot<br \/>\nleave his important programs unguarded [5].<\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"THE_REAL_PROGRAMMER_AT_WORK\"><\/span>THE REAL PROGRAMMER AT WORK<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p>Where does the typical Real Programmer work? What kind of programs are<br \/>\nworthy of the efforts of so talented an individual? You can be sure<br \/>\nthat no Real Programmer would be caught dead writing accounts-receivable<br \/>\nprograms in COBOL, or sorting mailing lists for People magazine. A Real<br \/>\nProgrammer wants tasks of earth-shaking importance (literally!).<\/p>\n<p>o Real Programmers work for Los Alamos National Laboratory, writing<br \/>\natomic bomb simulations to run on Cray I supercomputers.<\/p>\n<p>o Real Programmers work for the National Security Agency, decoding<br \/>\nRussian transmissions.<\/p>\n<p>o It was largely due to the efforts of thousands of Real Programmers<br \/>\nworking for NASA that our boys got to the moon and back before<br \/>\nthe Russkies.<\/p>\n<p>o Real Programmers are at work for Boeing designing the operating<br \/>\nsystems for cruise missiles.<\/p>\n<p>Some of the most awesome Real Programmers of all work at the Jet<br \/>\nPropulsion Laboratory in California. Many of them know the entire<br \/>\noperating system of the Pioneer and Voyager spacecraft by heart. With a<br \/>\ncombination of large ground-based FORTRAN programs and small<br \/>\nspacecraft-based assembly language programs, they are able to do<br \/>\nincredible feats of navigation and improvisation &#8212; hitting ten-kilometer<br \/>\nwide windows at Saturn after six years in space, repairing or bypassing<br \/>\ndamaged sensor platforms, radios, and batteries. Allegedly, one Real<br \/>\nProgrammer managed to tuck a pattern-matching program into a few hundred<br \/>\nbytes of unused memory in a Voyager spacecraft that searched for, located,<br \/>\nand photographed a new moon of Jupiter,<\/p>\n<p>The current plan for the Galileo spacecraft Is to use a gravity assist<br \/>\ntrajectory past Mars on the way to Jupiter. This trajectory passes within<br \/>\n80+\/-3 kilometers of the surface of Mars. Nobody is going to trust a<br \/>\nPASCAL program (or a PASCAL programmer) for navigation to these<br \/>\ntolerances.<\/p>\n<p>As you can tell, many of the world&#8217;s Real Programmers work for the U.S.<br \/>\nGovernment &#8212; mainly the Defense Department. This is as it should be.<br \/>\nRecently, however, a black cloud has formed on the Real Programmer<br \/>\nhorizon. It seems that some highly placed Quiche Eaters at the Defense<br \/>\nDepartment decided that all Defense programs should be written in some<br \/>\ngrand unified language called `ADA&#8217; ((C), DoD). For a while, it seemed<br \/>\nthat ADA was destined to become a language that went against all the<br \/>\nprecepts of Real Programming &#8212; a language with structure, a language with<br \/>\ndata types, strong typing, and semicolons. In short, a language designed<br \/>\nto cripple the creativity of the typical Real Programmer. Fortunately,<br \/>\nthe language adopted by DoD has enough interesting features to make it<br \/>\napproachable &#8212; it&#8217;s incredibly complex, includes methods for messing with<br \/>\nthe operating system and rearranging memory, and Edsgar Dijkstra doesn&#8217;t<br \/>\nlike it [6]. (Dijkstra, as I&#8217;m sure you know, was the author of &#8220;GoTos<br \/>\nConsidered Harmful&#8221; &#8212; a landmark work in programming methodology,<br \/>\napplauded by PASCAL programmers and Quiche Eaters alike.) Besides, the<br \/>\ndetermined Real Programmer can write FORTRAN programs in any language.<\/p>\n<p>The Real Programmer might compromise his principles and work on<br \/>\nsomething slightly more trivial than the destruction of life as we know<br \/>\nit, providing there&#8217;s enough money in it. There are several Real<br \/>\nProgrammers building video games at Atari, for example. (But not<br \/>\nplaying them &#8212; a Real Programmer knows how to beat the machine every<br \/>\ntime: no challenge in that.) Everyone working at LucasFilm is<br \/>\na Real Programmer. (It would be crazy to turn down the money of fifty<br \/>\nmillion Star Trek fans.) The proportion of Real Programmers in Computer<br \/>\nGraphics is somewhat lower than the norm, mostly because nobody has found<br \/>\na use for computer graphics yet. On the other hand, all computer graphics<br \/>\nis done in FORTRAN, so there are a fair number of people doing graphics in<br \/>\norder to avoid having to write COBOL programs.<\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"THE_REAL_PROGRAMMER_AT_PLAY\"><\/span>THE REAL PROGRAMMER AT PLAY<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p>Generally, the Real Progranmer plays the same way he works &#8212; with<br \/>\ncomputers. He is constantly amazed that his employer actually pays him to<br \/>\ndo what he would be doing for fun anyway (although he is careful not to<br \/>\nexpress this opinion out loud). Occasionally, the Real Programmer does<br \/>\nstep out of the office for a breath of fresh air and a beer or two. Some<br \/>\ntips on recognizing Real Programmers away from the computer room:<\/p>\n<p>o At a Party, the Real Programmers are the ones in the corner talking<br \/>\nabout operating system security and how to get around it.<\/p>\n<p>o At a football game, the Real Programmer is the one comparing the plays<br \/>\nagainst his simulations printed on 11 by 14 fanfold paper.<\/p>\n<p>o At the beach, the Real Programmer is the one drawing flowcharts in<br \/>\nthe sand.<\/p>\n<p>o At a funeral, the Real Programmer is the one saying &#8220;Poor George.<br \/>\nAnd he almost had the sort routine working before the coronary.&#8221;<\/p>\n<p>o In a grocery store, the Peal Programmer is the one who insists on<br \/>\nrunning the cans past the laser checkout scanner himself, because he<br \/>\nnever could trust keypunch operators to get it right the first time.<\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"THE_REAL_PROGRAMMERS_NATURAL_HABITAT\"><\/span>THE REAL PROGRAMMER&#8217;S NATURAL HABITAT<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p>What sort of environment does the Real Programmer function best in? This<br \/>\nis an important question for the managers of Real Programmers.<br \/>\nConsidering the amount of money it costs to keep one on the staff, it&#8217;s<br \/>\nbest to put him (or her) in an environment where he can get his work done.<\/p>\n<p>The typical Real Programmer lives in front of a computer terminal.<br \/>\nSurrounding this terminal are:<\/p>\n<p>o Listings of all programs the Real Programmer has ever worked on, piled<br \/>\nin roughly chronological order on every flat surface in the office.<\/p>\n<p>o Some half-dozen or so partly filled cups of cold coffee. Occasionally,<br \/>\nthere will be cigarette butts floating in the coffee. In some cases,<br \/>\nthe cups will contain Orange Crush.<\/p>\n<p>o Unless he is very good, there will be copies of the 0S JCL manual and<br \/>\nthe Principles of Operation open to some particularly interesting<br \/>\npages.<\/p>\n<p>o Taped to the wall is a line-printer Snoopy calendar for the year 1969.<\/p>\n<p>o Strewn about the floor are several wrappers for peanut butter filled<br \/>\ncheese bars &#8212; the type that are made pre-stale at the bakery so they<br \/>\ncan&#8217;t get any worse while waiting in the vending machine.<\/p>\n<p>o Hiding in the top left-hand drawer of the desk is a stash of<br \/>\nDouble-Stuff Oreos for special occasions.<\/p>\n<p>o Underneath the Oreos is a flowcharting template, left there by the<br \/>\nprevious occupant of the office. (Real Programmers write programs,<br \/>\nnot documentation. Leave that to the maintenance people.)<\/p>\n<p>The Real Programmer is capable of working 30, 40, even 50 hours at a<br \/>\nstretch, under intense pressure. In fact, he prefers it that way. Bad<br \/>\nresponse time doesn&#8217;t bother the Real Programmer &#8212; it gives him a chance<br \/>\nto catch a little sleep between compiles. If there is not enough schedule<br \/>\npressure on the deal Programmer, he tends to make things more challenging<br \/>\nby working on some small but interesting part of the problem for the first<br \/>\nnine weeks, then finishing the rest in the last week, in two or three<br \/>\n50-hour marathons. This not only impresses the hell out of his manager,<br \/>\nwho was despairing of ever getting the project done on time, but creates a<br \/>\nconvenient excuse for not doing the documentation. In general:<\/p>\n<p>o No Real Progranmer works 9 to 5 (unless it&#8217;s the ones at night).<\/p>\n<p>o Real Programmers don&#8217;t wear neckties.<\/p>\n<p>o Real Programmers don&#8217;t wear high-heeled shoes.<\/p>\n<p>o Real Programmers arrive at work in time for lunch [9].<\/p>\n<p>o A Real Programmer might or might not know his wife&#8217;s name. He does,<br \/>\nhowever, know the entire ASCII (or EDCDIC) code table.<\/p>\n<p>o Real Programmers can&#8217;t know how to cook. Grocery stores aren&#8217;t open<br \/>\nat three in the morning. Real Programmers survive on Twinkies and<br \/>\ncoffee.<\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"THE_FUTURE\"><\/span>THE FUTURE<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p>What of the future? It is a matter of some concern to Real Programmers<br \/>\nthat the latest generation of computer programmers are not being brought<br \/>\nup with the same outlook on life as their elders. Many of them have never<br \/>\nseen a computer with a front panel. Hardly anyone graduating from school<br \/>\nthese days can do hex arithmetic without a calculator. College graduates<br \/>\nthese days are soft &#8212; protected from the realities of programming by<br \/>\nsource level debuggers, text editors that count parentheses, and `user<br \/>\nfriendly&#8217; operating systems. Worst of all, some of these alleged<br \/>\n`computer scientists&#8217; manage to get degrees without ever learning FORTRAN!<br \/>\nAre we destined to become on industry of Unix hackers and PASCAL<br \/>\nprogrammers?<\/p>\n<p>From my experience, I can only report that the future is bright for Real<br \/>\nProgrammers everywhere. Neither DS\\370 nor FORTRAN show any signs of<br \/>\ndying out, despite all the efforts of PASCAL programmers the world over.<br \/>\nEven more subtle tricks, like adding structured coding constructs to<br \/>\nFORTRAN have failed. Oh sure, some computer vendors have come out with<br \/>\nFORTRAN 77 compilers, but every one of them has a way of converting itself<br \/>\nback into a FORTRAN 66 compiler at the drop of an option card &#8212; to<br \/>\ncompile DO loops like God meant them to be.<\/p>\n<p>Even Unix might not be as bad on Real Programmers as it once was. The<br \/>\nlatest release of Unix has the potential of an operating system worthy of<br \/>\nany Real Programmer &#8212; two different and subtly incompatible user<br \/>\ninterfaces, an arcane and complicated teletype driver, virtual memory. If<br \/>\nyou ignore the fact that it&#8217;s `structured&#8217;, even `C&#8217; programming can be<br \/>\nappreciated by the Real Programmer: after all, there&#8217;s no type checking,<br \/>\nvariable names are seven (ten? eight?) characters long, and the added<br \/>\nbonus of the Pointer data type is thrown in &#8212; like having the best parts<br \/>\nof FORTRAN and assembly language in one place. (Not to mention some of the<br \/>\nmore creative uses for #define.)<\/p>\n<p>No, the future isn&#8217;t all that bad. Why, in the past few years, the<br \/>\npopular press has even commented on the bright new crop of computer nerds<br \/>\nand hackers ([7] and [8]) leaving places like Stanford and M.I.T. for the<br \/>\nReal World. From all evidence, the spirit of Real Programming lives on in<br \/>\nthese young men and women. As long as there are ill-defined goals,<br \/>\nbizarre bugs, and unrealistic schedules, there will be Real Programmers<br \/>\nwilling to jump in and Solve The Problem, saving the documentation for<br \/>\nlater. Long live FORTRAN!<\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"ACKNOWLEDGEMENT\"><\/span>ACKNOWLEDGEMENT<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p>I would like to thank Jan E., Dave S., Rich G., Rich E., for their help<br \/>\ncharacterizing the Real Programmer, Heather B. for the illustration, Kathy<br \/>\nE. for putting up with it, and atd!avsdS:mark for the initial inspiration.<\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"REFERENCES\"><\/span>REFERENCES<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p>[1] Feirsteln, B., &#8220;Real Men Don&#8217;t Eat Quiche&#8221;, New York,<br \/>\nPocket Books, 1982.<\/p>\n<p>[2] Wirth, N., &#8220;Algorithms + Data Structures = Programs&#8221;,<br \/>\nPrentice Hall, 1976.<\/p>\n<p>[3] Ilson, R., &#8220;Recent Research in Text Processing&#8221;, IEEE<br \/>\nTrans. Prof. Commun., Vol. PC-23, No. 4, Dec. 4, 1980.<\/p>\n<p>[4] Finseth, C., &#8220;Theory and Practice of Text Editors &#8212; or &#8212;<br \/>\na Cookbook for an EMACS&#8221;, B.S. Thesis, MIT\/LCS\/TM-165,<br \/>\nMassachusetts Institute of Technology, May 1980.<\/p>\n<p>[5] Weinberg, G., &#8220;The Psychology of Computer Programming&#8221;,<br \/>\nNew York, Van Nostrand Reinhold, 1971, p. 110.<\/p>\n<p>[6] Dijkstra, E., &#8220;On the GREEN language submitted to the<br \/>\nDoD&#8221;, Sigplan notices, Vol. 3 No. 10, Oct 1978.<\/p>\n<p>[7] Rose, Frank, &#8220;Joy of Hacking&#8221;, Science 82, Vol. 3 No. 9,<br \/>\nNov 82, pp. 58-66.<\/p>\n<p>[8] &#8220;The Hacker Papers&#8221;, Psychology Today, August 1980.<\/p>\n<p>[9] sdcarl!lin, &#8220;Real Programmers&#8221;, UUCP-net, Thu Oct 21<br \/>\n16:55:16 1982.<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<h1><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"Real_Programmers_Dont_Eat_Quiche\"><\/span>Real Programmers Don&#8217;t Eat Quiche<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h1>\n<p>o Real Programmers don&#8217;t eat quiche.<br \/>\nThey like twinkies, coke and palate-scorching Szechwan food.<\/p>\n<p>o Real Programmers don&#8217;t write applications programs.<br \/>\nThey program right down on the bare metal.<br \/>\nApplications programming is for the dullards who can&#8217;t<br \/>\ndo systems programming.<\/p>\n<p>o Real Programmers don&#8217;t write specs.<br \/>\nUsers should be grateful for whatever they get:<br \/>\nThey are lucky to get any programs at all.<\/p>\n<p>o Real Programmers don&#8217;t comment their code.<br \/>\nIf it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand<br \/>\nand harder to modify.<\/p>\n<p>o Real Programmers don&#8217;t document.<br \/>\nDocumentation is for simpletons who can&#8217;t read listings or<br \/>\nthe object code from the dump.<\/p>\n<p>o Real Programmers don&#8217;t draw flowcharts.<br \/>\nFlowcharts are the illiterate&#8217;s form of documentation.<br \/>\nCavemen drew flowcharts; look at how much good it did for them.<\/p>\n<p>o Real Programmers don&#8217;t read manuals.<br \/>\nReliance on a reference manual is the hallmark of the novice<br \/>\nand the coward.<\/p>\n<p>o Real Programmers don&#8217;t write in RPG.<br \/>\nRPG is for gum-chewing dimwits who maintain ancient payroll programs.<\/p>\n<p>o Real Programmers don&#8217;t write in COBOL.<br \/>\nCOBOL is for COmmon Business-Oriented Laymen who can&#8217;t run a<br \/>\nbusiness, much less write a real program.<\/p>\n<p>o Real Programmers don&#8217;t write in FORTRAN.<br \/>\nFORTRAN is for wimp engineers who wear white socks.<br \/>\nThey get excited over finite state analysis<br \/>\nand nuclear reactor simulation.<\/p>\n<p>o Real Programmers don&#8217;t write in PL\/1.<br \/>\nPL\/1 is for insecure anal-retentives who can&#8217;t<br \/>\nchoose between COBOL and FORTRAN.<\/p>\n<p>o Real Programmers don&#8217;t write in BASIC.<br \/>\nActually, no programmer writes in BASIC after reaching puberty.<\/p>\n<p>o Real Programmers don&#8217;t write in APL,<br \/>\nunless the whole program can be written on one line.<\/p>\n<p>o Real Programmers don&#8217;t write in LISP.<br \/>\nOnly idiots&#8217; programs contain more parenthesis than actual code.<\/p>\n<p>o Real Programmers don&#8217;t write in PASCAL, BLISS, ADA, or any<br \/>\nof those other sissy computer science languages. Strong typing<br \/>\nis the crutch for people with weak minds.<\/p>\n<p>o Real Programmers&#8217; programs never work right the first time.<br \/>\nBut if you throw them on the machine they can be patched into<br \/>\nworking order in only a few 30-hour debugging sessions.<\/p>\n<p>o Real Programmers never work 9 to 5.<br \/>\nIf any Real Programmers are around at 9:00 am,<br \/>\nits because they were up all night.<\/p>\n<p>o Real Programmers don&#8217;t play tennis, or any other sport which<br \/>\nrequires a change of clothes. Mountain Climbing is acceptable.<br \/>\nReal Programmers wear climbing boots to work in case a mountain<br \/>\nshould suddenly spring up in the middle of the machine room.<\/p>\n<p>o Real Programmers disdain structured programming.<br \/>\nStructured programming is for compulsive neurotics who were<br \/>\npermanently toilet trained. They wear neckties and carefully<br \/>\nline up sharp pencils on an otherwise clear desk.<\/p>\n<p>o Real Programmers don&#8217;t like the team programming concept.<br \/>\nUnless, of course they are the chief programmer.<\/p>\n<p>o Real Programmers never write memos on paper.<br \/>\nThey send memos via computer mail networks.<\/p>\n<p>o Real Programmers have no use for managers.<br \/>\nManagers are a necessary evil. They exist only to deal with<br \/>\npersonnel bozos, bean counters, senior planners, and other<br \/>\nmental defectives.<\/p>\n<p>o Real Programmers scorn floating point arithmetic.<br \/>\nThe decimal point was invented for pansy bedwetters who are<br \/>\nunable to &#8220;think big.&#8221;<\/p>\n<p>o Real Programmers don&#8217;t drive clapped-out Mavericks.<br \/>\nThey prefer BMW&#8217;s, Lincolns, or pick up trucks with floor shifts.<br \/>\nFast motorcycles are highly regarded.<\/p>\n<p>o Real Programmers don&#8217;t believe in schedules.<br \/>\nPlanners make up schedules.<br \/>\nManagers &#8220;firm up&#8221; schedules.<br \/>\nFrightened coders strive to meet schedules.<br \/>\nReal Programmers ignore schedules.<\/p>\n\n<div class=\"twitter-share\"><a href=\"https:\/\/twitter.com\/intent\/tweet?via=swisswuff\" class=\"twitter-share-button\" data-size=\"large\">Tweet<\/a><\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>When I mention real work as opposed to work one does in the role of a pansy boy, I certainly mean this both seriously and tongue in cheek. Only if you spend your days with real work will you ever understand. You will be dripping wet from sweating. Your clothes will be so entirely smelly&#8230;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":10493,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[98,192,57,160,91,204,196,78,137,61],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-8850","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-activities-of-daily-living","category-algorithm-regarding-best-choice-of-prosthetic-arm","category-artwork-prosthesis","category-bimanual-task-benchmark","category-design-principles","category-extreme-cyborging","category-grip-testing","category-mechanical-works","category-research-tips","category-specifications-comparisons","wpcat-98-id","wpcat-192-id","wpcat-57-id","wpcat-160-id","wpcat-91-id","wpcat-204-id","wpcat-196-id","wpcat-78-id","wpcat-137-id","wpcat-61-id"],"publishpress_future_action":{"enabled":false,"date":"2026-05-07 05:05:13","action":"change-status","newStatus":"draft","terms":[],"taxonomy":"category","extraData":[]},"publishpress_future_workflow_manual_trigger":{"enabledWorkflows":[]},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.swisswuff.ch\/tech\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8850","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.swisswuff.ch\/tech\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.swisswuff.ch\/tech\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.swisswuff.ch\/tech\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.swisswuff.ch\/tech\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=8850"}],"version-history":[{"count":7,"href":"https:\/\/www.swisswuff.ch\/tech\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8850\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":10494,"href":"https:\/\/www.swisswuff.ch\/tech\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8850\/revisions\/10494"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.swisswuff.ch\/tech\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/10493"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.swisswuff.ch\/tech\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=8850"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.swisswuff.ch\/tech\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=8850"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.swisswuff.ch\/tech\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=8850"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}