How ever so completely irreverend and funny is this show! “Can I be bothered”? Such an important attitude. Always correct (“my Liege”) but firm and not ready to compromise her unbothered attitude.

Transcript below….

Transcript:

Mr Logan: Morning.

Class: A’riight?

Lauren: Sir?

Mr Logan: Yeah?

Lauren: Are you English, Sir?

Mr Logan: No, I’m Scottish.

Lauren: So you ain’t English, then?

Mr Logan: No, I’m British.

Lauren: So you ain’t English, then?

Mr Logan: No, I’m not, but as you can see, I do speak English.

Lauren: But I can’t understand what you’re sayin’, Sir.

Mr Logan: Well, clearly you can.

Lauren: Sorry, are you talkin’ Scottish now?

Mr Logan: [agitated] No, I’m talking English.

Lauren: Right. Don’t sound like it.

Mr Logan: Okay, whatever you want. Now! Let’s get on with Shakespeare.

Lauren: I don’t think you’re qualified to teach us English.

Mr Logan: I am perfectly qualified to teach English.

Lauren: I don’t think you are, though.

Mr Logan: You don’t have to be English to teach it.

Lauren: Right, have we got double English or double Scottish?

Mr Logan: [Beat] Is your name Lauren Cooper, by any chance?

Lauren: Yeah… why?

Mr Logan: Your reputation precedes you.

Lauren: [Proudly] Innit, though?

Mr Logan: A Sonnet–

Lauren: Sir?

Mr Logan: a sonnet is a poem-

Lauren: Sir?

Mr Logan: written in 14 lines-

Lauren: Sir?

Mr Logan: the last two of which-

Lauren: Sir?

Mr Logan: must form a rhyming couplet-

Lauren: Sir?

Mr Logan: [very agitated] Yes, Lauren?

Lauren: Can I aks you a question?

Mr Logan: Not just now.

Lauren: But can I aks you a question, though?

Mr Logan: Just wait.

Lauren: But can I aks you a question? I only wanna aks you a question. Why can’t I aks you a question? I’m only aksing a question. Can I just aks you question?

Mr Logan: What is it?

Lauren: Are you the Doctor?

[Long beat.]

Mr Logan: Doctor Who?

Lauren: Innit, though!!! [clicks fingers.]

Mr Logan: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Lauren: You look like Doctor Who though!

Mr Logan: I’m not Doctor Who, I’m your English teacher.

Lauren: I don’t think you are though…

Mr Logan: Lauren –

Lauren: I think you’re a 945-year-old Time Lord.

Mr Logan: Listen –

Lauren: Did ya’ just pitch up from Mars?

Mr. Logan: Don’t be ridiculous!

Lauren: You know your house right?

Mr Logan: What?

Lauren: You know your house? Is it bigger on the inside?

Mr Logan: Be quiet.

Lauren: Did you park the TARDIS on a meter?

Mr Logan: Can we please get back to Shakespeare? [He looks pointedly at Lauren, who is silent, and pauses for a moment] Thank you. So-

Lauren: Do you fancy Billie Piper, sir?

Mr Logan: [Angry] Right! [slams book] You are the most insolent child I have ever had the misfortune to teach!

Lauren: Thank you.

Mr Logan: You are pointless, repetitious and extremely dull.

Lauren: Bit like Shakespeare.

Mr Logan: [fuming.] William Shakes- WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE WAS A GENIUS! YOU, LITTLE MADAME, ARE DEFINITELY NOT! NOW JUST SIT THERE, KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT, OR I WILL FAIL YOU IN THIS WHOLE MODULE RIGHT NOW!

Lauren: [breathes in through teeth, leans forward.] Amest I bovveréd?

Mr Logan: [confused.] What?

Lauren: Amest I bovveréd, forsooth?

Mr Logan: Lauren-

Lauren: Looketh at my face. Looketh at my face. Ist this a bovveréd face thou seest before thee?

Mr Logan: Right. I’m calling your parents-

Lauren: Are you disrespecting the house of Cooper?! Art thou calling my mother a pox-ridden wench?! Art thou calling my father a goodly rotten apple?!

Mr Logan: [Exasperated.] Lauren-

Lauren: But he ain’t even a goodly rotten apple. But he ain’t a goodly rotten apple, though.

Lauren: I ain’t even bovveréd, though! Face? Bovveréd? Face? Bovveréd? My Liege, I be not bovveréd, forsooth. Bovveréd? Face? I ain’t even bovveréd. Shakespeare? Sonnets? I ain’t even bovveréd.

Mr Logan: Look stop right there-

Lauren:

“My Mistress’s eyes are nothing like the sun,

Coral is far more red than her lips red,

If Snow be white, why then her breasts are dun,

If hair be wires, black wires grow on her head,

I have seen roses damask’d red and white,

But no such roses see I in her cheeks,

And in some perfume is there more delight,

Than in the breath from my mistress reeks,

I love to hear her speak, Yet well I know

That music has a far more pleasing sound,

I grant I never saw a goddess go,

My mistress when she walks treads on the ground,

And yet by heaven I think my love as rare,

As any she belied with false compare.” [slaps table.] BITE ME, ALIEN BOY!

[Mr Logan whips out Sonic Screwdriver, changing Lauren into a 5 inch Rose Tyler figure.]

Mr Logan: That’s better. [grins.] “A Rose by any other name would smell as sweet.“

Lauren: [squeaking.] I still ain’t bovvered!